I've been thinking a lot lately not just about the role of women in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but especially about my own role in it, and of it in my life. With working towards a second bachelor's degree, one of my main aims is to be happier, since I have this vision in my head of a much better workplace, where I get to be more creative and DO things and where little birds sing beautiful songs outside my window. Okay, maybe not that last part...
Perhaps spurred on by the fact that I'm a year into the program and still taking introductory courses, and after listening to several podcasts and TedX talks about how to actually have a great career and be happy and junk, I am coming to realize (a year later...) that what I've been searching for and wanting change for is to find happiness and, more important, meaning in my life.
The closer I get to the birthday cake in the shape of a tombstone and the black balloons, the harder a time I have feeling a place at church. So much of the role of women is defined around being a wife and a mother. Two roles that I don't know that I will ever have in this life. And I feel that I need to find a way to be okay with that, because unless/until it happens, all I have is a sense of bitterness, a tendency to joke about the benefits of polygamy for those who were looked over as first wives, and a short list of historical figures I might consider hooking up with in the after life, assuming they've accepted the gospel by then. (Beethoven is currently at the top of the list, in case you're wondering.)
I tend to get wrapped up at this point in my ponderings on the cultural problems around dating in LDS culture. Perhaps I'll make a snarky post some time later about how much of a mess that situation is, but for now, I'll try to save it. I personally am not very good at navigating the scene, especially when it starts to prey on my self-esteem issues. (I'm sure you've heard the announcer in my ear blaring helpful things like, "They're all so much prettier than you, of course the guys wouldn't notice you and even if they did, they can totally see all your flaws really clearly before you even talk, so why don't you just go home and give up?")
So. Anyway.. Back to the whole possible/probably lack of marriage, lack of kids, lack of this life that I always wanted, that I still want. All this other stuff I've been doing with my life -- it's always seemed like some sort of filler until I can get married and get to grips with learning to live with another person, lose sleep over babies, change messy diapers, miss adult conversation, and all the other things that come with having your own family.
Instead, I'm looking at a life with good friends, good family in the form of siblings, in-laws, the best mom in the world, and a great step-dad, as well as step-siblings that I see infrequently but that are cool when we do meet. And great cousins. And Gus, of course. Which are all good things, but even with the some-day-it-will-get-here career change at the end of my degree program, I still feel like there's just not enough meaning in my life. I suppose this could be one of the things making it hard for me to sleep and ensuring I'm awake with less than 4 hours to go until I need to be getting up. Which will ensure a grump-filled, meaningless-feeling day.
