Single-minded

I've been thinking a lot lately not just about the role of women in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but especially about my own role in it, and of it in my life. With working towards a second bachelor's degree, one of my main aims is to be happier, since I have this vision in my head of a much better workplace, where I get to be more creative and DO things and where little birds sing beautiful songs outside my window. Okay, maybe not that last part...

Perhaps spurred on by the fact that I'm a year into the program and still taking introductory courses, and after listening to several podcasts and TedX talks about how to actually have a great career and be happy and junk, I am coming to realize (a year later...) that what I've been searching for and wanting change for is to find happiness and, more important, meaning in my life.

The closer I get to the birthday cake in the shape of a tombstone and the black balloons, the harder a time I have feeling a place at church. So much of the role of women is defined around being a wife and a mother. Two roles that I don't know that I will ever have in this life. And I feel that I need to find a way to be okay with that, because unless/until it happens, all I have is a sense of bitterness, a tendency to joke about the benefits of polygamy for those who were looked over as first wives, and a short list of historical figures I might consider hooking up with in the after life, assuming they've accepted the gospel by then. (Beethoven is currently at the top of the list, in case you're wondering.)

I tend to get wrapped up at this point in my ponderings on the cultural problems around dating in LDS culture. Perhaps I'll make a snarky post some time later about how much of a mess that situation is, but for now, I'll try to save it. I personally am not very good at navigating the scene, especially when it starts to prey on my self-esteem issues. (I'm sure you've heard the announcer in my ear blaring helpful things like, "They're all so much prettier than you, of course the guys wouldn't notice you and even if they did, they can totally see all your flaws really clearly before you even talk, so why don't you just go home and give up?")

So. Anyway.. Back to the whole possible/probably lack of marriage, lack of kids, lack of this life that I always wanted, that I still want. All this other stuff I've been doing with my life -- it's always seemed like some sort of filler until I can get married and get to grips with learning to live with another person, lose sleep over babies, change messy diapers, miss adult conversation, and all the other things that come with having your own family.

Instead, I'm looking at a life with good friends, good family in the form of siblings, in-laws, the best mom in the world, and a great step-dad, as well as step-siblings that I see infrequently but that are cool when we do meet. And great cousins. And Gus, of course. Which are all good things, but even with the some-day-it-will-get-here career change at the end of my degree program, I still feel like there's just not enough meaning in my life. I suppose this could be one of the things making it hard for me to sleep and ensuring I'm awake with less than 4 hours to go until I need to be getting up. Which will ensure a grump-filled, meaningless-feeling day.

Always Learning

Since I started a new degree program last year, I've remembered that I actually do like learning new things. I've done well in all my classes. But I also find myself falling back into some of the mental habits from school. If I don't get an A, then I FAILED. I worry what the other students will think of me, what the teacher will think of me. Stuff like that. On the plus side, this isn't very powerful. I think I'm mostly able to kick the bad thoughts out of my brain. I just need to pass the class, not excel. If I lose points for something I did wrong, oh well. If I think the point deduction was unfair, I can complain. If the class doesn't seem to be doing what I want it to, I can address that with the teacher. So, it seems I've learned at least somewhat how to have a more healthy mental mindset about this school thing.

Sadly, this isn't the same in all situations. Work, church, roommates--all more complicated situations. I haven't quite been able to rid myself of the acceptance of emotional responsibility for things that I don't actually have responsibility for. Or something. Is blogging at 1am a good thing or a bad thing? Or just a thing? It should be a thing, since it seems about the only time I pause to think about these things. Which is probably because I spend a good part of the day trying to avoid thinking about them. But, on the plus side I can tell how much I've learned about video games through playing Thief: Gold. Or at least trying to. The controls are soooo clunky compared to other games I'm used to. I can't strafe or even back up! Who can't walk backwards? Apparently, Garret. Some Master Thief he is! *disdainful sniff*

One thing I haven't learned yet is how to sleep. Even with ambien. *sigh* If this takes much longer, I may end up getting up and doing some more room-cleaning. Which is terrifying for all concerned. There are whole families of dust bunnies I would disturb!

Fixer Problem

For the past couple of months, I've been trying to work through some of the grief of my father's passing. It has been a lot more difficult because he was, well, a difficult person. Much as I haven't wanted to delve into the issues, it's been good for me to face the emotions and learn to accept my feelings. I'm now looking at the fact that I tend to default to the role of "Fixer." I feel responsible for making sure everybody is happy, or at least pretending so. This usually means that I sacrifice my own feelings and desires. Not a formula for long-term happiness, though in certain situations, it's how I learned to survive.

I've realized that, at work, the role of Fixer is strong for me. I want to fix not just things that are broken or suboptimal, but relationships and basically every problem that gets within my gravitational field. On a conscious level, I know this is not healthy. I know I can't solve everybody's problems, however much I should like. And again, getting into the martyr cycle is not good for long-term happiness. When I realized that I had adopted this role at work and that I should get out of it, I though, "But then what good am I?"

Sadly, though I've tried to come up with a positive answer to that question, I'm still struggling with it. The Fixer is so much a part of me. I think it may be helpful to define a new role, something like the Problem Solver. Because it's not like life won't continue to have problems. But the Fixer versus the Solver approach could be different.

The Fixer needs to have control of everything in order to ensure the "right" answer is reached.
The Solver lets other people take responsibility for their portion of the problem and come up with a solution that is agreeable to all parties.

The Fixer feels responsible to solve problems, even if those problems aren't at all related to the person's work or personal responsibilities. (Some time I"ll tell you about the reasons I hate the Metro that fall in this category.)
The Solver identified problems that must be solved in relation to work and personal life, but also does not accept responsibility for solving problems that don't fall into those realms. (For example, not volunteering to figure out how to use the new CRM tool to do grant competitions, since grant competitions aren't my responsibility.)

The Fixer is always paranoid that she'll encounter a problem she can't solve, and is always on edge about not fixing things quickly enough. It's a very emotional, scary place to be.
Because she approaches things more rationally, the Solver is able to more clearly set expectations for herself and others, so the time element is part of the problem. And, if it's taking longer, the Solver knows that it's okay to ask for help or an extension from the authority over the problem.

I think this is probably a good start on how to approach this. If I can give myself the picture of what I want to be, which isn't the Fixer, that will, I think, help me let go of the Fixer. Despite the pain she causes, I know she's worked for me in the past, so it's absolutely terrifying to think of letting her go, at least not without knowing that life won't completely collapse without her. And since she is a part of me, this gets very confusing, pronoun-wise.