Since I started a new degree program last year, I've remembered that I actually do like learning new things. I've done well in all my classes. But I also find myself falling back into some of the mental habits from school. If I don't get an A, then I FAILED. I worry what the other students will think of me, what the teacher will think of me. Stuff like that. On the plus side, this isn't very powerful. I think I'm mostly able to kick the bad thoughts out of my brain. I just need to pass the class, not excel. If I lose points for something I did wrong, oh well. If I think the point deduction was unfair, I can complain. If the class doesn't seem to be doing what I want it to, I can address that with the teacher. So, it seems I've learned at least somewhat how to have a more healthy mental mindset about this school thing.
Sadly, this isn't the same in all situations. Work, church, roommates--all more complicated situations. I haven't quite been able to rid myself of the acceptance of emotional responsibility for things that I don't actually have responsibility for. Or something. Is blogging at 1am a good thing or a bad thing? Or just a thing? It should be a thing, since it seems about the only time I pause to think about these things. Which is probably because I spend a good part of the day trying to avoid thinking about them. But, on the plus side I can tell how much I've learned about video games through playing Thief: Gold. Or at least trying to. The controls are soooo clunky compared to other games I'm used to. I can't strafe or even back up! Who can't walk backwards? Apparently, Garret. Some Master Thief he is! *disdainful sniff*
One thing I haven't learned yet is how to sleep. Even with ambien. *sigh* If this takes much longer, I may end up getting up and doing some more room-cleaning. Which is terrifying for all concerned. There are whole families of dust bunnies I would disturb!
Monday, March 31, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Fixer Problem
For the past couple of months, I've been trying to work through some of the grief of my father's passing. It has been a lot more difficult because he was, well, a difficult person. Much as I haven't wanted to delve into the issues, it's been good for me to face the emotions and learn to accept my feelings. I'm now looking at the fact that I tend to default to the role of "Fixer." I feel responsible for making sure everybody is happy, or at least pretending so. This usually means that I sacrifice my own feelings and desires. Not a formula for long-term happiness, though in certain situations, it's how I learned to survive.
I've realized that, at work, the role of Fixer is strong for me. I want to fix not just things that are broken or suboptimal, but relationships and basically every problem that gets within my gravitational field. On a conscious level, I know this is not healthy. I know I can't solve everybody's problems, however much I should like. And again, getting into the martyr cycle is not good for long-term happiness. When I realized that I had adopted this role at work and that I should get out of it, I though, "But then what good am I?"
Sadly, though I've tried to come up with a positive answer to that question, I'm still struggling with it. The Fixer is so much a part of me. I think it may be helpful to define a new role, something like the Problem Solver. Because it's not like life won't continue to have problems. But the Fixer versus the Solver approach could be different.
The Fixer needs to have control of everything in order to ensure the "right" answer is reached.
The Solver lets other people take responsibility for their portion of the problem and come up with a solution that is agreeable to all parties.
The Fixer feels responsible to solve problems, even if those problems aren't at all related to the person's work or personal responsibilities. (Some time I"ll tell you about the reasons I hate the Metro that fall in this category.)
The Solver identified problems that must be solved in relation to work and personal life, but also does not accept responsibility for solving problems that don't fall into those realms. (For example, not volunteering to figure out how to use the new CRM tool to do grant competitions, since grant competitions aren't my responsibility.)
The Fixer is always paranoid that she'll encounter a problem she can't solve, and is always on edge about not fixing things quickly enough. It's a very emotional, scary place to be.
Because she approaches things more rationally, the Solver is able to more clearly set expectations for herself and others, so the time element is part of the problem. And, if it's taking longer, the Solver knows that it's okay to ask for help or an extension from the authority over the problem.
I think this is probably a good start on how to approach this. If I can give myself the picture of what I want to be, which isn't the Fixer, that will, I think, help me let go of the Fixer. Despite the pain she causes, I know she's worked for me in the past, so it's absolutely terrifying to think of letting her go, at least not without knowing that life won't completely collapse without her. And since she is a part of me, this gets very confusing, pronoun-wise.
I've realized that, at work, the role of Fixer is strong for me. I want to fix not just things that are broken or suboptimal, but relationships and basically every problem that gets within my gravitational field. On a conscious level, I know this is not healthy. I know I can't solve everybody's problems, however much I should like. And again, getting into the martyr cycle is not good for long-term happiness. When I realized that I had adopted this role at work and that I should get out of it, I though, "But then what good am I?"
Sadly, though I've tried to come up with a positive answer to that question, I'm still struggling with it. The Fixer is so much a part of me. I think it may be helpful to define a new role, something like the Problem Solver. Because it's not like life won't continue to have problems. But the Fixer versus the Solver approach could be different.
The Fixer needs to have control of everything in order to ensure the "right" answer is reached.
The Solver lets other people take responsibility for their portion of the problem and come up with a solution that is agreeable to all parties.
The Fixer feels responsible to solve problems, even if those problems aren't at all related to the person's work or personal responsibilities. (Some time I"ll tell you about the reasons I hate the Metro that fall in this category.)
The Solver identified problems that must be solved in relation to work and personal life, but also does not accept responsibility for solving problems that don't fall into those realms. (For example, not volunteering to figure out how to use the new CRM tool to do grant competitions, since grant competitions aren't my responsibility.)
The Fixer is always paranoid that she'll encounter a problem she can't solve, and is always on edge about not fixing things quickly enough. It's a very emotional, scary place to be.
Because she approaches things more rationally, the Solver is able to more clearly set expectations for herself and others, so the time element is part of the problem. And, if it's taking longer, the Solver knows that it's okay to ask for help or an extension from the authority over the problem.
I think this is probably a good start on how to approach this. If I can give myself the picture of what I want to be, which isn't the Fixer, that will, I think, help me let go of the Fixer. Despite the pain she causes, I know she's worked for me in the past, so it's absolutely terrifying to think of letting her go, at least not without knowing that life won't completely collapse without her. And since she is a part of me, this gets very confusing, pronoun-wise.
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